Dear Government Person,
That famous road near Vidhana Soudha,
Bengaluru – 560001
Subject: Request For Termination Of Sobriety.
We can all agree, the list of essentials the government has announced is a work-in-progress. So many of the basics are missing, dude. The government made of old-folks has never played to our disadvantage this significantly. I mean, thank you for doing the right thing, and asking a country filled with over-enthusiastic people to stay indoors. This was a correct call. Yay, you!
Anyway, the matter in hand that is not getting enough attention in the press is that the list of essentials is not really made up of the “essentials”. The food and medical supplies being open are important. Sure. I get it. But that does not give you the right to call the rest of the things “non-essential”. That is discrimination. Like calling a majority of the population “non-upper-cast”.
Open the alcohol shops, bro! I call you ‘bro’ to appeal to your emotional side. I know it is terrible for health and-all-that. But, can we for a minute consider how much good has come from alcohol. If Isaac Newton’s dad did not have a drinking problem, Newton would never have sat below a tree to avoid him. Do you not know that when Aryabhatta ran out of alcohol is when he found a new number? A number to count the number of drinks left. I think we should give credit where credit is due. In the spirit of spirits, I’ve written a limerick to further make my case.
It is risky, to not have whisky.
Don’t be the scum, who takes away my rum.
It’s never a win; if there is no Gin.
Oh, my dear, please give me my beer.
Before the withdrawal kicks into next gear.
Now, I know that poem is really shit. But that is because the fridge has no beer. Can we let art die this way? Alcohol to an artist is like corruption to the government. We can live without it, but in its presence, the work progresses faster. The nectar that promotes imagination, the ambrosia that creates magic and the amruth that makes Amrita happy. As an artist, I find it a violation of my rights that my vices are strong-armed into surrendering to bad planning.
If you think opening a wine shop is going to create large gatherings, then you need not worry. A man (or women, jeez, relax feminists) in need of alcohol will follow more rules than you can imagine. It’s like dangling a carrot at the end of a stick. Shut the shop if there is no social-distancing. Alcohol lovers will not just practice it, but also ensure everyone else does. Make those circles on the road and give out only one bottle a day. I promise my community, and I will follow the rules. Right guys? Right!
So what I’m trying to say is. Dear People-Of-Power, with great power, comes great intoxication. Do not take away our powers, using your powers, else the point of power is powerless. In simple words — please give me my liquor a little quicker; before we become a nation of sober, tiresome people.
Standup Comedian, Bengaluru.