The past few years, being a “grown-up” is really getting to me. Too many changes all around – friends getting married, friends having kids and friends acting like kids about getting married. The other day, my mum brought up my wedding. And not in a good way. The worry that’s been pinching her – ‘How will we get Kritarth married if he keeps losing hair!’. I didn’t know if she was being sweet or thought, me having a head of hair is my biggest selling point. Really mum? Clearly, in my mum’s version of the matrimony ad ‘fair, good looking, a job in IT and stays in the US.’ is not as important as ‘must have hair’.
If you take my photos (against and clear background) from the past 6 years, and stitch them into a GIF, it’s will be a super cool animation of my receding hairline. Over the years, my Google searches have changed – from ‘how to stop balding’ to ‘tried everything balding not stopping’ to ‘What haircuts look good on balding people’. I look into the mirror every day, trying to comb my insecurities and fail. You know how they say “if you do something long enough you will succeed”. This only becomes worse with time.
The other day the news mentioned, 70% of Indian population are youth. All I could think was… ‘where are all the old people?’. Then I go to an Indian wedding and find the remaining 30%. You know who I’m talking about, right? Those old relatives who tell you how much you have changed since the last time they saw you. This aunty scanned me from top to bottom like a robot at a bank vault entrence. She tells my mum “uffooh, look your son has grown up so much, he’s even started gracefully bald”. What the f*$k is balding gracefully? Balding- the loss of hair (or fur). This sounds like a genetic disability to me. There is no such thing as being gracefully disabled.
It’s adorable when people try to give you advice on how to stop balding. Try aloe vera gel, try low hair fall shampoo, try coconut oil, try mixing a blend of curry leaves, onions little sambhar powder and add salt to taste; apply on hair on all full moon nights. All lies! Nothing works! With every haircut, the barber (sorry, hair-stylist) is more confused, what can he do with the land going barren on my head? On my last appointment my stylist said “Sir, you need to take care of your hair, your hair is my property – if your hair falls, I lose work”. That’s a lot of pressure on my hair-stems. I mean, I had no idea hair fall is leading cause of unemployment. The barber is now performing experiments on my hair. “Sir, do hair spa!” he said one day. Trust me hair-say is not the cure to balding, not at all! The only thing a hair-spa can do for you is delay the process and make you poor on the way.
My family has a great history. All grand parents were at the top of their job profiles. A diverse family linage ranging from Maths to Physics and even Gymnastics. With a background like this, I expected my DNA to be loaded with talent and brains. Unfortunately all I got was balding. Science says ‘Male balding is mainly caused by hereditary reason and comes to males from the maternal side”. Basically the mother’s genes passes balding to the son, but does not affect the mother. Guess what? FEMINISM! I think this is why mothers love their sons unconditionally, they know what they have passed on! Maybe this is also why my mother is concerned about my marriage, it’s about time she let another woman pass on the amazing baling genes…