“Please email me your high-resolution photos for the poster…” says the event manager as she hang-up. Every comedian’s  biggest nightmare at some point has been this “Hi-Res image” episode. At first, I was excited that people want to see me in high-definition, then it hit me; my average looks and facial flaws could be amplified in a high res image… oh god! The fears that swim in my brain, you know!
So anyway, I was in need of some good quality photos and I did not want to call a friend to play “America’s top model” with him. Weird situations to be stuck in uh… Should I call a friend and pretend like I’m a big shot-celeb who needs a photo shoot? Or do I find a way around it? Owning a tripod has never come to better use. You know, a tripod? A three-legged friend to hold your camera when you have no friend. Just hit the click button and run in front of the camera -oh wait, image too dark. Try again -out of focus. Okay, the last attempt – oh shit! Why are you balding?
That was the closest I have come to taking a selfie by-the-way. Sorry about the weird unrelated buildup. My fear of selfies started at an early age. When I was fourteen, my dog got run over by a speeding truck; which is irrelevant to this story but it was tragic. That was also the day my dad gifted me my first phone. Quite a cool for its time. Had a colour display and a VGA back camera. Made me the popular kid. I had no use of it, because most of my other friends did not have phones, so no one to talk to. I would use the camera to make funny faces and take photos of myself (in the privacy of my room). Once I clicked ten photos and laughed at them for no reason, I would delete them because the phone had limited memory. One unfortunate day, I forgot to delete a photo, my friend found it and made it my phone wallpaper. Holly shit! I was devastated! I took an oath that day to never take selfies(before the term was even coined) again and always put a lock on every phone I owned.

Cut to present day where selfies have taken over the world. From kids who are learning to walk to old people who are slowly losing their ability to – everyone is clicking a selfie. At any tourist destination, I spend less time admiring the place and more time avoiding walking into other people’s selfies. The back row at a concert a sad place to be in, because all you could see were heads. Now, all you see is floating selfie sticks. The population issue is at its peak and no place to walk on the sidewalks. To make things worse there is a great-wall-of-teen-girls clicking duck faces (quack-quack)! What happened to us as living beings? When did looking at yourself on the front camera become the new mirror? When did mass narcissism become an epidemic? And why the f*uck did people start making faces in public to a metallic-inanimate-technologically-developed-piece-of-communication-hardware?

When I buy a phone- I look for RAM space, performance, software and maybe (just maybe) the colour. I have never judged my phone decisions on the basis of how good it is at clicking photos of me. Phone are sold as “devices made for clicking selfies”. With the snapchat-app, you can take a selfie, with someone else’s face as your face with the feature they like to call ‘face swap’. So even if I don’t want to take one, someone can place my face on their face and click one for me. Wow. Technology!

See, I’m not saying I hate selfies. I am genuinely scared of them. You walk into an elevator that has mirrored walls and suddenly you start setting your hair, checking your makeup or fixing your clothes. Why? Because you can see yourself. Your brain is conscious about how you look. Now imagine, in the middle of dinner, someone decides to hold an elevator mirror against your face and asks you to smile. How does that feel? I’m a very introverted person who secretly judges people who take selfies at airports and coffee shops. My fear mainly lies within someone else like me is also going to judge me for my photo-clicking-choices. I read in the news the other day; India tops the list of the most selfie-related deaths in the world. That’s right! People have been stupid enough to fall off buildings or get hit by cars right in the middle of self-validating photo sessions. If you are that person who is walking down the road and randomly decide to stop and click a photo of yourself, I admire your confidence, just not your intelligence.


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