How To Sell Drugs and Influence People.

A satire based on real emotions.

Photo by GRAS GRÜN on Unsplash

One summer afternoon, it was raining and the weather got cold. The confusing weather felt pleasant. Nothing says pleasant and chaotic like being high. I was sitting in my balcony, looking into another balcony. My neighbors were cooking pakoras and complaining — “ too hot eat pakoras man!”. It was like watching reality-TV-personified. On this day a realization came to me. I needed to make some changes in my profession. I had a desire to quit my job as a marketing minion for failed corporations and explore greener pastures. I felt like it was time to dive into a world of risks. My motto in life has always been: “If your job is not making an influence on people, it’s not worth doing”, and then it hit me(the weed!). It was time to sell drugs.

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It has been 6 months since my balcony gave me the zen I was looking for. People now call me Mr.Papu, my pseudo name. Selling drugs is no more than a job to me, it is my passion. I use my digital marketing experience to sell drugs… using memes. My zeal to influence people was still running strong in my veins (so was meth). In the past month, I’ve hired over twenty social-media-influences to market my products. Although selling drugs is illegal, there are many loop-holes to the internet. My ads are so well targeted it only reaches my consumers and never to the cops. My business is now seeing as many highs as my consumers.

“But, How are you influencing people Mr.Papu?” asked an interviewer from Weed Magazine. ‘Weed’ is a weekly magazine that aims to educate the world about the positives uses of drugs. They call themselves a non-profit, not because they don’t make money. Their goal is to legalize drugs in India by the year 2026. “I do not merely sell drugs, it’s not about the substance… it is the product”, I said. “Our marketing gurus have failed to understand a simple mantra. Drug users are a target demographic in themselves. They are easy to influence… which is why they do drugs in the first place. What I am doing is exploiting this untapped goldmine”.

Let me explain, I sell my drugs in cardboard boxes produced at a factory in Madurai, Tamil Nadu. My branding is simple and takes up only one side of the box. But, every box comes with a booklet insert. This booklet contains ads, disguised as informational articles. After the buyer consumes the drugs, they often read the booklet. This piece of literature is in the hands of people who have a high affinity to stupidity. Stupidity such as online shopping? Exactly! I only place ads that nurture the needs of a druggy. Such as dessert brands, light fixtures, sweet beverages, and unwanted souvenirs. When they use the UR-code on the booklet to buy items, I get a commission from the brand. This simple business idea turned my noble drug business into a marketing breakthrough.

Yesterday I received a call from Vanur. He has been a client of mine since the start. Varun works for TIME magazine and is impressed by my gimmick. He wants to write a feature about me in the upcoming issue. When I got into the business, my aim was only to sell drugs. But over time I’ve realized, when you sell drugs, you do not just sell narcotics.. you sell dreams( or hallucination)! Today I sit in that same balcony and watch my neighbors do the drugs on a rainy evening. Today I’ve understood an import lesson. My products are not only influencing thought but also unites the world.

Buy my book “How To Sell Drugs And Influence People.”, here. My autobiography and a self-help book on making a business from anything.


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